I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize