I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
