I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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