I'm lost and stupid without you.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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