you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
