I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
