I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
