His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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