my phone needs a breathalizer
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
