I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
whose parrot is this?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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