Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
