its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
