How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
