I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
