I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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