hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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