you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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