I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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