The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize