Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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