Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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