We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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