We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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