clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
