I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
