allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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