Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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