just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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