thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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