God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
