I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
