it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
