well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
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