My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
