she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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