In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
