Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
