I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
