I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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