So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
