I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
