Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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