Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
