i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
