I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
