i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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