Don't make out with my wife yet
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
