I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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