It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
