I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
