Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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