I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
