I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
