He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
