i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
