oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
