That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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