i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
this boner is exhausting
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
